I saw Dr Kenny (the Chiro) for the first time on Friday, May 1st... but didn't see Isabelle, the Biodecoder until Friday, May 8... so we're calling Saturday, May 9, 2009 day 1.
I plowed through days 1 and 2 with all the confidence and hope required to start a new journey in life. It helped enormously that on day 0 (that Friday, May 8th) my Director called while I was on the way to my appointments to tell me that I was getting a substantial raise... it wasn't review time or a change in position... it was an acknowledgment of the great work I'd being doing. awesome. what a great start to my new life!
On the morning of day 3, Monday, May 11th at approximately 10:08 a.m. Pacific Time I was hurt and humiliated when my coworker (who happens to be a highly revered and respected psychiatrist) interrupted a story I was telling to a group of trainees who I was just about to spend the next two days with to say that he doubted I had ever been thin... and then repeated it.
It went a little something like this:
Me: I grew up in a nice, yellow house with a big lawn and a pool. I had a lot of things going for me: I was smart, pretty, tall, and thin...
Him: Thin? I doubt that (looking me up and down)
Me: Wow Mark... Seriously?!
Him: I wouldn't doubt smart, and you're obviously tall... but thin?
Me: Thanks (and then ignoring him and the appalled looks on the faces of the audience we were in the middle of presenting to and continued my story). But inside the house things were not as perfect as they appeared on the outside... (if you don't already know the story the essential elements are a gay father dying of AIDS, a homicidal and suicidal 8 year old brother, and a morbidly obese mother)
I made it through the rest of the training without falling apart in front of anyone. I vented to some other coworkers who offered encouraging words and loving support. I vented again to another group of coworkers who provided exceptional listening. I vented again to my mother, my husband, and then my husband's parents this time to a lot of outrage and insistence that I bring the HR department into this...
I look a long, hot shower before bed that finally relaxed me enough to cry and say my fears aloud. I was hurt, humiliated, and deathly afraid that if I took this to someone at work in an attempt to file a formal complaint that I would find out that Mark is more important than I am to MHA... the exact opposite of the feeling I held on to so deeply days 0 through 2.
Morning of Day 3: a few people approach me to tell me that they have spoken to Mark and pressed on him the need to apologize, fighting through his eye rolling. Eventually Mark and I are alone in a room together and he asks if I have time to talk. I do and I planned to confront him anyway so I sit down. He starts by asking if he is in my doghouse with a bit of a chuckle. I respond seriously and somberly that I am hurt and was humiliated (trying to stick with those feeling words). His facial expression changes and his words show true remorse. He is sorry and knows exactly what he did was wrong... he can make no excuses or even explain what he was thinking, he simply admits that he wasn't thinking. As apologies go, it was good; better than this at least.
I said thank you and hoped the interaction was over. It wasn't. He didn't know I had gone through so much in my life (which was kind of the point of the story... but whatever) he wanted to ask me questions now... particularly about my mother and her weight. Could she walk? Could she drive? Could she get through doorways? Was it like "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"? (are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?)
I said in a high pitched voice, while uncomfortably laughing: Mark, seriously... leave me alone!
He didn't take me seriously and persisted. I told him about times when I was a child that I got embarrassed in JcPenneys when other children pointed my mother out and said things like "mommy, that lady is fat!" I clarified that with the other ingredients in the story (the father and brother) the overweight mother paled in comparison on the trauma scale. His eyes repeatedly scanned my body like they do every time we talk... this time I'm more paranoid about what he might be thinking.
I eventually even told him about the Biodecoding...
We then conduct some business about travel arrangements and accounting of training hours (which is what our working relationship consists of by the way... He is the quarterback of our training team, the most popular, most called upon, and most expensive trainer we have. And I... am his agent. His Jerry Maguire, if you will.)
everything I said and did during that interaction told him that it was okay, that our relationship was still in tact and that I had accepted his apology and was moving on. The truth is, while the apology was good... I disclosed those things to make him feel better, not me. The more I told the worse I felt and yet I continued to let the stories spill out. Was it because I thought if I gave him what he wanted he would leave me alone? Was it because I wanted our working relationship to go back to normal so I could stop feeling so badly? Was it because I thought the best way to trust him again was to act like I trusted him (fake it 'til you make it)? Was it just a good faith effort to see if I could trust him again, remain open and observe the care he handles me with?
Either way, I came to my senses long enough at the end of our conversation to tell him that I didn't think it mattered what someone had been through in their life, to be kind, sensitive, and avoid rude comments should be a general rule. He agreed (partially) and the other part of him calmly argued that sometimes teasing is good for relationships but he could see how in some cases, like this one, taking the risk to tease to build a relationship isn't worth the risk. I clarified once more that I thought he would move safest through the world by leaving body image comments out of his teasing toolbox.
Again the way it looked on the outside was like I was over it when in fact I am more tortured than ever. First, because of the increasingly inappropriate, invasive, probing questioning and second because of my complete failure to stand up for myself and put a stop to the continued emotional bashing I was getting.
I'm going to choose to forgive myself for the second now. I am not comfortable giving my peers feedback, so I worked myself up, planned what I was going to say, and conducted myself professionally... I didn't have what it took to keep fighting and so I just say there and took it. I'll do better next time.
As for the first, Rod still believes I need to talk to HR. I feel inclined to do so... but I need to be clear, I don't want vengeance... I just want peace. I want to be protected from further emotional assault and I want to prevent others from being victims of the same bullying (intentioned or not).
But I still carry doubts... am I worth it? Is this all my fault? Did I ask for it? I know how I look... don't fat people deserve public humiliation and ridicule? ...I got myself here so I should be prepared to deal with the consequences.
This really sucks, actually feeling your feelings. I thought I had felt my feelings before, but really what I had been dealing with was feelings, topped with melted cheese, dipped in chocolate, and served with a side of bread and butter. Now, without those things at my disposal, what am I left to do?
I can't sleep... I've now stayed up long enough that the rice and salad I had for dinner at 630 is NOT cutting it and I need to make a food choice that is smart, not emotionally satisfying.
and I still have tomorrow to face.
I'll let you know how it goes.